Student on Law Review Beginning to Think He is Just There to Do Bitch Work for His Professors

AP - Each year students at various law schools enter into a rigorous and intense competition to determine the privileged few who will ponder why fact-checking a professor’s note was worth more than hanging out with friends in the summer.

“I thought it was interesting at first when Professor Wickard asked me to edit his article on the modern boundaries set forth on the Commerce Clause and the constitutional questions it raises in the internet age. But then, one time I remembered he asked me to buy him some coffee, another time pick up a sandwich or when he made me wait in line to buy him tickets for Wicked at TKTS. When I finally told him my responsibilities as a Notes Editor did not include picking up his laundry he got really pissed, saying something about how dry cleaning is commerce and how commerce is regulated by law and how my picking up his dry cleaning is therefore related to law review.”

“Besides trying to work through that tortured syllogism, I kind of had a suspicion he just forgot to pick up his laundry.”

“I think I kind of had to draw the line at picking up his kids from school”, chimed another student, who chose not to reveal his professor’s name. “But when he said something about how this would help my editing of his article on state’s rights vis-à-vis  No Child Left Behind, I kind of knew he was bullshitting me.”

“Then again, when anybody ever uses the phrase vis-à-vis in everyday conversation probably went to prom with their mothers. I guess I don’t have it so bad though, I hear Professor Carolene runs a f’n sweatshop. He literally makes whoever works with him fill milk cartons all day in some factory downtown. Real sketch dude. He mentioned some crap about relevancy to constitutional law but I am just glad I am not working for him.”

Some other students are surprised by the seeming unwillingness of Professors to do any sort of laborious work.

One student stated, “Honestly, this one guy is not even trying anymore. They teach us this IRAC crap all the time but this professor doesn’t even care. The issue was something about 2^nd amendment rights and concealed weapons, but all the professor did was fill in the conclusion, “Guns are bad”. The only other thing he wrote to me was, “find the cases and analyze them to support this conclusion.”  

The law review model has come under much scrutiny in recent years, some noting the inefficacy of having novices correct the work of the foremost experts of their field.   Nonetheless, many other institutions and organizations have decided to adopt this model. For instance, the Los Angeles Lakers recently utilized the stars of the 4^th grade Biddy Basketball League to offer players like Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol advice on their shooting form and defensive positioning. Coach Phil Jackson was amazed at the sagacity of these young whippersnappers, “Hmm, keep your eye on the basket when shooting, that’s Zen wisdom.”

Likewise, Berkshire Hathaway Chairman Warren Buffett has employed the services of precocious members of the Omaha High School Stock Market Competition Team, to scrutinize and advise him on his current investment portfolio.

Not to be outdone, Johns Hopkins Medical School is now having all of its medical testing being closely monitored and vetted by the top students of the Baltimore Elementary School Science Fair.  Doctors at Hopkins have noted, “In this day and age, you can never be too safe. I feel that much more comfortable knowing a medication that could possibly kill someone is being closely monitored by that bright student who mixed baking soda and vinegar to make a cool volcano.”

Many students argue still that law review is a necessary means to enable one to gain a prestigious clerkship with a Supreme Court Justice. Although the work is grueling, the opinions about clerkships are overwhelmingly favorable.

Current student Jason Bock replied, “I know I need to be the one who really stands out, so I can get that clerkship. I am excited by the potential work, whether it’s cite-checking for Justice Kagan, getting groceries for Justice Ginsburg, or giving Justice Scalia a sponge bath.”  

“Is it worth it? I don’t know. But one day when I am sitting at 3 am by myself in my office, I will feel comforted by the fact, that if a person were to randomly google my name and click on my law firm bio, they would know I was part of law review.”

Yale Law School institutes new grading system: Gold star, Thumbs up and High Five!

AP - In a ground-breaking move, Dean Robert C. Post and a small group of Yale professors decided to institute a policy that hopefully raises the low self-esteem of his students. Concerned about the fragile hearts and minds of his students, he stated, “This is really the only direction we felt we could go. We felt words like Honors, Pass and Low Pass would be too damaging the psyches of our future magistrates and legal scholars. Instead we feel at Yale Law School, everyone is a winner deserving of at least a high five. We want to remind our students that everyone of them is special. Whether it was growing up with a trust fund, attending a private school or riding in equestrian competitions, our students might not yet be able to cope with the idea of a ‘low pass’”

Many applaud this move noting that Yale students often faced unnecessarily harsh scrutiny for their inability to talk to members of the opposite sex, lack of social grace and stellar academic reputations. One unnamed student was noted saying, “I know, I mean I would have real issues without this. I am glad before I become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, somebody can remind me that no matter what, as long as I give it my best that’s all that matters.” Graduation ceremonies have also drastically changed with every student now receiving a 1st place blue ribbon on their gowns and one item at the snack bar bought by their respective professors for a “job well done.”

A few professors have been criticized for their unwillingness to strictly follow Yale’s non-confrontational grading policy. In particular, Professor Amy Chua was criticized for actually using “frowny faces” when grading students mid-term examinations. Post noted these statements to be “mere rumors” stating that only one student received a grade as low as a -_- , but that most students received =)’s. Chua was unable to offer much, as she was promoting her latest book co-written with Sarah Palin, Tiger Marketing and Hockey Moms, How To Best Use Your Children For Shameless Self-Promotion, but she did say that sensitive Yale students need not worry, since her children’s work is the only thing she’s willing to call “garbage”.

In response to the institutional changes at it’s noted rival, the Harvard Law School administration has released new seminars and lectures including, “Don’t Worry that Supreme Court Robe You Will Soon Wear Does Not Make Your Butt Look Big” and “How To Cope With The Eventual Burden of Swimming in Piles of Cash?” Nonetheless, Harvard Dean Martha Minow was notably incensed by the new changes made at Yale, calling them a forgery of what they had already started at Harvard.

“Come on now, we were the ones who really got behind this holistic grading system and self-esteem awareness. For crying out loud, a former Harvard Law Review President got all you guys saying ‘Yes, We Can’ just two years ago”, referencing the mantra that was popularized by Barack Obama’s Presidential Campaign in 2008. “I mean he kind of plagiarized from The Little Engine that Could but its the thought that matters."

We were unable to reach Stanford Law School Dean Larry Kramer about their kid’s gloves grading policy. His spokesperson informed us he was too busy sunbathing and “enjoying the nice weather” to be reached for comment.

Other schools have taken quite a different path. Prior to 1994, Columbia had a system much like the one Yale, Harvard and Stanford have adopted. During this period, Columbia had five grades—excellent, very good, good, pass, and unsatisfactory. According to David Schizer, dean of Columbia Law School, “students were concerned at the time that a system of this sort did not provide enough information.”

Thus, Columbia instituted its current gladiatorial grade system largely in response to these complaints. While breaking a pool stick in two and throwing it into the newly built Lenfast Pit to two students vying for a firm job, Schizer also informed of us of the reasoning behind this decision. “We hope an actual battle to death, between some of our students can better provide relevant information to employers. We figure whoever comes out alive can best demonstrate both the issue-spotting skills and legal writing ability that employers desire to see.” Although he openly admitted the 45% mortality rate was probably a “little north” of what he desired, he said Columbia has the still remained the leader for big law firm jobs among the law schools. Critics see it as a way for him to inflate the school’s US News Ranking, which does not yet take student casualties into account in its ranking methodology.

Among these new changes at Columbia included hiring WWE President Vince McMahon as a new career services dean who immediately replaced their law review write-on competition with a “no-holds barred” triple steelcage ladder match. This move was seen as controversial to some, especially considering his proposal to replace 2L summer OCI with a 400-man Royal Rumble. When presented with concerns about the lack of camaraderie and teamwork, McMahon noted that he would be instituting a new tag-team competition to address these concerns. “At the end of the day, it is obvious that what Columbia students really want when they walk into their interview, is that Championship belt”, said McMahon as he gestured an imaginary belt across his waist a couple times.

 Upon complaints from overstressed students, Schizer responded, “See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people will eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.” When asked for further clarification he simply responded, “Why so serious?”

In a somewhat related story, NYU Law School Dean Richard Revesz was last seen outside our newsroom begging to be included in the story.