Student on Law Review Beginning to Think He is Just There to Do Bitch Work for His Professors

AP - Each year students at various law schools enter into a rigorous and intense competition to determine the privileged few who will ponder why fact-checking a professor’s note was worth more than hanging out with friends in the summer.

“I thought it was interesting at first when Professor Wickard asked me to edit his article on the modern boundaries set forth on the Commerce Clause and the constitutional questions it raises in the internet age. But then, one time I remembered he asked me to buy him some coffee, another time pick up a sandwich or when he made me wait in line to buy him tickets for Wicked at TKTS. When I finally told him my responsibilities as a Notes Editor did not include picking up his laundry he got really pissed, saying something about how dry cleaning is commerce and how commerce is regulated by law and how my picking up his dry cleaning is therefore related to law review.”

“Besides trying to work through that tortured syllogism, I kind of had a suspicion he just forgot to pick up his laundry.”

“I think I kind of had to draw the line at picking up his kids from school”, chimed another student, who chose not to reveal his professor’s name. “But when he said something about how this would help my editing of his article on state’s rights vis-à-vis  No Child Left Behind, I kind of knew he was bullshitting me.”

“Then again, when anybody ever uses the phrase vis-à-vis in everyday conversation probably went to prom with their mothers. I guess I don’t have it so bad though, I hear Professor Carolene runs a f’n sweatshop. He literally makes whoever works with him fill milk cartons all day in some factory downtown. Real sketch dude. He mentioned some crap about relevancy to constitutional law but I am just glad I am not working for him.”

Some other students are surprised by the seeming unwillingness of Professors to do any sort of laborious work.

One student stated, “Honestly, this one guy is not even trying anymore. They teach us this IRAC crap all the time but this professor doesn’t even care. The issue was something about 2^nd amendment rights and concealed weapons, but all the professor did was fill in the conclusion, “Guns are bad”. The only other thing he wrote to me was, “find the cases and analyze them to support this conclusion.”  

The law review model has come under much scrutiny in recent years, some noting the inefficacy of having novices correct the work of the foremost experts of their field.   Nonetheless, many other institutions and organizations have decided to adopt this model. For instance, the Los Angeles Lakers recently utilized the stars of the 4^th grade Biddy Basketball League to offer players like Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol advice on their shooting form and defensive positioning. Coach Phil Jackson was amazed at the sagacity of these young whippersnappers, “Hmm, keep your eye on the basket when shooting, that’s Zen wisdom.”

Likewise, Berkshire Hathaway Chairman Warren Buffett has employed the services of precocious members of the Omaha High School Stock Market Competition Team, to scrutinize and advise him on his current investment portfolio.

Not to be outdone, Johns Hopkins Medical School is now having all of its medical testing being closely monitored and vetted by the top students of the Baltimore Elementary School Science Fair.  Doctors at Hopkins have noted, “In this day and age, you can never be too safe. I feel that much more comfortable knowing a medication that could possibly kill someone is being closely monitored by that bright student who mixed baking soda and vinegar to make a cool volcano.”

Many students argue still that law review is a necessary means to enable one to gain a prestigious clerkship with a Supreme Court Justice. Although the work is grueling, the opinions about clerkships are overwhelmingly favorable.

Current student Jason Bock replied, “I know I need to be the one who really stands out, so I can get that clerkship. I am excited by the potential work, whether it’s cite-checking for Justice Kagan, getting groceries for Justice Ginsburg, or giving Justice Scalia a sponge bath.”  

“Is it worth it? I don’t know. But one day when I am sitting at 3 am by myself in my office, I will feel comforted by the fact, that if a person were to randomly google my name and click on my law firm bio, they would know I was part of law review.”